Unfortunately, my last injectible cycle was not successful. This cycle, I started off at a very low dose (75 ui of gonal-f) but unfortunately, this resulted in only one very speedy very big follicle. I had an IUI on Day 10 of my cycle. The chances of this working, with just one follicle, are not high but are not zero.
I’ve realized that I’ve passed into chronic infertility. I am becoming used to it. I now know the lingo. I am learning the questions to ask. It is feeling more routine. I feel constantly that I’m on the verge of becoming a mother, and on the verge of realizing that I will never become a mother.
At times, I love hearing about and seeing my friend’s children. I pray for my friends when I hear they are in labor; I rejoice in the births of their healthy babies. At other times, I feel alienation when hearing about these milestones. Sometimes, I enjoy playing with these babies. At other times, I barely see them even when we’re in the same room. My reactions are not predictable. At times, I am in a horrible mood and a baby on my shoulder brightens my day. Other times, I feel fine, but then don’t want anything to do with this cheerful proud mother’s little one.